It occurs to me that the most insidious tactic in the abuser’s toolbox is their own humanity, doled out in little chunks between instances and spates of abusive behavior and personality. How can someone who shows such compassion and warmth when they’re sober, or when they’re in public, turn into such a monster after a night drinking and alone? How can someone who did these things with impunity be able to display such tenderness and, dare I say, vulnerability, in this moment?
You end up knowing that the potential of the person who is hurting you is so much better than the reality, knowing that they can change and what they can change into. You are so certain they can change that you believe them when they apologize, and you believe them when they change their behavior, and then you believe them when they clamor for their old ways, and you believe them when it’s back to living as usual.
The problem isn’t that these people are monsters in human suits, it’s that their abusiveness is part of their humanity.