It’s Asexual Awareness Week! Excelsior! Thanks, everyone, for sharing yesterday’s blog so widely (even though I made a huge math error and hate myself for it). I appreciate everyone who liked, reblogged, left a message or started following me yesterday; y’all are wonderful.
Today we are going to talk about KNOWING WHETHER/WHEN SOMEONE IS ASEXUAL.
This comes up fairly frequently in asks at advice blogs here in the asexual community, and I even got an ask last night that asked a similar question. But I wanted to make sure I tackled this question directly and geared it more toward non-asexual folks because this is Asexual Awareness Week and you all need to be aware.
1. “How can someone know if they’re asexual? They’re too young/too inexperienced/not ready to know!” AKA the “Green Eggs and Ham” question.
Let us all hearken back to our Dr. Seuss-reading days. Do you remember Green Eggs and Ham? The moral of that story was that you should never be afraid to try new things, to step out of your comfort zone, or to branch out into new activities. It’s a moral I agree with.
What SHOULD be remembered about that story is that Sam I Am is a total DICK about his Green Eggs and Ham, and forced consent out of the poor fucker he was harassing, all based on the super-flimsy argument that the dude who does not want this rancid pig flesh and sulfurous eggs doesn’t actually KNOW what he, himself, wants.
DO NOT BE SAM I AM.
If someone comes up to you and says, “I think I’m asexual,” or bisexual, or gay, or LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE, your reaction is not to be, “Well, are you sure you aren’t straight?” or, “How would you know? You haven’t had sex yet!” or, “You’re too young to know that.” When you say these things, you are telling them that you know them better than they know themselves. At the least-damaging end of the fuckspectrum you have created here, you undermine their capacity for self-determination. At the most-damaging end, you compel them into situations they would not otherwise have agreed to, because they feel obligated to heed your words. That’s fucked up. Don’t do that.
2. “I thought you said you were asexual?!” AKA the “Sexual Orientation is Unchanging Forever” question.
There’s a common misconception – though sometimes a strategically advantageous one – that sexual orientation is a static point that you are attached to for all time. It’s an argument that some folks use to get the Christian Right off their backs because seriously it would be F U C K I N G annoying and hurtful to hear “You’re going to hell for your… your… YOUR LIFE CHOICES” all the time. Historically, we’ve seen right-wing movements form on the basis of eradicating GLBTQ+ communities because they thought those communities were socializing American children to be gay. No really.
The problem is, while no one can force someone to be gay, or bi, or ace, etc., it’s still not entirely clear that sexual orientation is 100 percent genetically predetermined. So while the essentialist arguments around sexual orientation being static and unchanging from birth are politically pragmatic, the reality is more tangled.
All of that to say: if your asexual friend tells you they might be sexually attracted to someone, please for the love of fuck do not accost them for “lying” about their sexuality. Remember that they alone determine their sexual orientation, and it’s likely that coming to the realization that they were really into someone sexually was not achieved easily. Additionally, There Is A Difference between sexual orientation, sexual arousal and sexual participation. If your ace friend is having sex, or has a normal-to-high sexual drive, that’s their decision as well.
All of this basically boils down to: do not be a fucking asshole. This has been an Asexual Visibility Week 2015 Public Service Announcement.